Today I woke up with the inkling to finish Sabrina's quilt, but I hesitated. Quilting shouldn't be like this - hesitation. I hesitated because my brother is expecting HIS quilt. He mentions it. He asks when his is coming. The fact that Sabrina's quilt top has been finished and ready for more than a year doesn't seem to matter. The fact that I don't have the money to buy fabric to make a (big) fantastic quilt for my brother and his new wife doesn't matter. I feel the expectancy of it. I don't like it.
See, I never expected to make Sabrina a quilt. From the very beginning of my cousin Lindsay's pregnancy there was no expectation. I have struggled with infertility for years. Pregnant people piss me off. Lindsay totally understands that (as a young woman, unexpectedly pregnant, she was worried about how I'd be pissed - I admire that sensitivity). I don't make baby quilts. Some people do - you have a baby, you get a quilt. Not from me. But when Sabrina was born I felt a need to process feelings, feelings about how I don't have a newborn. So I quilted.
Sabrina's quilt top was finished very quickly. I had the desire to use it as a practice for renting out time on a longarm. I have a super intense quilt that I want to longarm myself - but first I'd need practice. So, Sabrina's quilt was set aside for a while while I sorted out how to do all that. At this point I don't think it's entirely necessary to do a whole quilt in practice. I don't need to seek the perfection that I had once intended. I need real and raw. So there is no need for me to wait to finish Sabrina's quilt (and for God's sake, she's two years old already!).
But. If I finish this quilt what will my brother say. His sweet wife won't say anything, but it seems that Dan is expecting this. I don't blame him, I just don't think he gets what making a quilt is all about - he doesn't get the creative process. I don't think he understands the difference between just whipping out a fun / easy quilt (like Sabrina's), and making a work of art - tailored to the recipient (like his will be).
I feel like quilters are always trying to express this. Quilts are a lot of work, fun, exciting, beautiful work. But to put an expectation on finishing a quilt for a specific purpose - to carry the feelings and love that I feel for my little brother - I just can't get there right now.
So do I finish Sabrina's quilt? Time will tell. Maybe I will.